two classic mother conversations in one day:

mother: i just want you to know, that i will NEVER have sex with any of your friends.
emily: well i'm sure mike will be glad to know that.
mother: would you have sex with any of our friends?
emily: considering you guys don't actually have any friends, and at most, i'm the closest thing to you guys having a friend...i'd just be having sex with myself and that's nothing new.
mother: as long as your happy.
emily: bye mother.

mother: what are you guys doing tonight?
emily: watching gay porn.
mother: oh! which one?
emily: david does dallas.
mother: are they using protection?
emily: yes. they're being good homos.
mother: well, protection doesn't just apply to 'condoms' condoms. it also involves finger condoms, are they using finger condoms?
emily: um...well, i actually never noticed.
mother: they should be because you can still get infected through your fingers, especially if your fingering around down there.
emily: too true.
mother: have a nice night!