rae, i'm pregnant.

postsecret

rae, i forgot to tell you that last night was my first, and therefore, my best.

"One day he came home covered in eggs because someone had egged him and another time a woman sprayed him with a hose. They have been tormenting this poor animal."

rae, will you be the mother of my children?

so the highschoolers toured campus today and it makes me glad that i never wore that much glitter in my day. or that tight of pants. unless they are on to something - maybe the secret to happiness is string thongs, low pants, and cleavage. those fucks, i bet it is. the following is what i feel i would look like if this were true:

rae, a piece to fill the hole in my heart.

a conversation with my father, talking about erik:

father: is he gay?
emily: we haven't figured that one out yet, but i'm thinking he's just european, metrosexual.
father: that's too bad.
emily: what? he can't be gay because then brennen would get him. i can't let that happen.
father: he couldn't even if he wanted to because i thought brennen was only allowed to have little boys.
emily: can i quote you on that?

rae is such a cougar.

i have ended up in a place i never said i would come back to - except this time is different (at least that is what i tell myself). although i must say, the ability to wear my good black pants and converse sneaks will allow me to be more comfortable with a sense of fashion (?). the franchise tims never allowed me that pleasure. plus, i did manage to teach the supervisor (ashley's mom, tracy) how to clean the steeped tea machine, and it's been over a year since i did that last.

to add to this bonus of a day, i served european boy today (which we just recently found out is named "erik"), and finally heard what his voice sounds like. so not only is he just a body, he's also a voice (a sort-of europeany blend) and a name (emily whispers "erik" ever so softly whenever he is near, so lightly she can barely feel the breath of it slipping across her lonely lips). not to mention pink shirts, nice jeans, and fucked-up pricey loafers. ahhh erik.

also interesting, the campus life coalition (one of the parties running in next week's election) is entering the need for more all-ages events into their platform. at least all that surveying and interviewing for the group project didn't go to complete waste, and maybe if the student body elects at least one of them onto the council, i'll stand a chance at having more CSS events to attend. oh how i dream.

Puppies kittens sunshine happiness

When judging the contestants’ performances, Simon Cowell basically says something like, “You really sucked just then, mate” while Paula tends to say, “Puppies kittens bunnies teddy bears not the best song choice for me but that’s okay, sweetie, sunshine happiness flowers.”

anything and everything

i wish i could figure out my own personal style. sometimes i'm skate, other times i 'try' to be a girlie-girl. today i am yoga chic. i wish had the money to be able to pull off one particular style. i mean, those bulletshell belts are pretty pricey, and the cost of vintage tees these days, my god. and i won't even begin to tell the pains it takes to find a decent pair of jeans for the more 'developed' bottom-half. i think i will do better in the summer months. i find pants to be a burden and shorts freeing. perhaps i just enjoy the breeze on my legs. perhaps people will enjoy my legs. note to self: tone, tone, tone your legs before it gets short-wearing-warm.

otherwise, for those who don't already know: i passed my driver's test and in my new licence photo, my makeup seems to be trying to escape from my face, like i put blotches of foundation in only certain spots and did not blend evenly. the horror!

i also got an interview at the tim hortons on campus. woot. at least you really can't call it fast-food in the way triple o's was fast food. also, i will finally get to wear my nice black pants, not my crappy walmart grease pants. plus, i will be able to get further use out of my $50 non-slip wcb work shoes. glass half-full sort of scenario.

i'm frustrated as hell over my formal report, i think i picked the wrong topic to write about (how to write a business plan), but it's too late to change it. i should have gone for something i had some experience with already because now i have to learn how to write a business plan first, and then learn how to write a formal report. oh well. 25% isn't that worth that much.

budget cuts to the education sector finally show the consequences.

so i was waiting in the tim hortons line-up for a sandwich this morning and directly behind me there was a mother and her teenage daughter (at least 13 or 14 years old). The daughter decides that since the line-up is long, now is a good time as any to go to the bathroom, except she comes back a second later asking her mother what the word "vacant" meant. i'm thinking of responding, "i believe that's what's between your ears." needless to say, i also figured such a remark would probably end up in an argument with the mother, which would impede me from accomplishing the original reason for my being in that line-up in the first place: eggsalad sandwich, on white, toasted.

the questionable physics of spiderman

Possibly the least-believable scene occurs when Dafoe, in the form of the Green Goblin, severs the cable to a cable car filled with children. Dafoe stands high atop a structure with the cable in one hand and Spider-Man's girlfriend in the other. If we assume the cable car and children weigh 4000 pounds (1818 kg), and the cable is massless and makes a 5° angle with the horizon, we can calculate the sideways force created on the Goblin as follows:

F = W/(2·tan q)

Where F is the magnitude of the force in the horizontal direction, W is the weight of the cable car and children, and q is the angle between the horizon and the cable.

	F	=	W 2 Tan q
	Where:
		F= the horizontal force
		W = the weight of the cable car and children
		q = the angle between the horizon and the cable

The side force would be about 23,000 pounds (102,000 newtons). Even if we suspend our disbelief that the Goblin could hold on to the cable, there is no way his feet would have enough friction to keep him from being pulled sideways, yet the Goblin doesn't even have to strain.

Milton Bradley's
Secret Invasion Orders
for the Attack on

Boston Harbor.

BY TODD ROVAK

- - - -

E-6

B-9

C-14

D-11

Are you moving your pieces?

D-12

You are totally moving your pieces.

D-13

D-14

Do you like being a cheater, Boston Harbor? Do you?

OK, this is stupid. Are you serious? You're honestly trying to pull this crap?

D-15

This (along with the weather) is why no one likes you. Abort mission.

red on a white sheet.

It was the best of times, it was the bloodiest of times.

Rae became a woman that night

and promptly gave away her innocence soon after.

Alas, if only she could have resisted,

that bloody whore.

march is the month of months

live-action recreation of the opening

to The Simpsons.

happy birthday

"when god said 'let there be light'

chuck norris said 'say please'"

“Our oddness counts for more than our normality. Our strangeness connects us to others more than our conventionality, and when we identify with people it is because we recognize the otherness we share with them.”
-Declan Donnellan, The Actor and The Target

Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion.

Sean: Beer and pussy. That's all I need.

Ronald: We gotta find ourselves a Smurfette.

Sean: Smurfette?

Ronald: Yeah, not some tight-ass Middlesex chick, right? Like this cute little blonde that will get down and dirty with the guys. Like Smurfette does.

Donnie: Smurfette doesn't fuck.

Ronald: That's bullshit. Smurfette fucks all the other Smurfs. Why do you think Papa Smurf made her? Because all the other Smurfs were getting too horny.

Sean: No, no, no, not Vanity. I heard he was a homosexual.

Ronald: Okay, then, you know what? She fucks them and Vanity watches. Okay?

Sean: What about Papa Smurf? I mean, he must get in on all the action.

Ronald: Yeah, what he does, he films the gang-bang, and he beats off to the tape.

Donnie: [shouts] First of all, Papa Smurf didn't create Smurfette. Gargamel did. She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her. And as for the whole gang-bang scenario, well, it just couldn't happen. Smurfs are asexual. They don't even have... reproductive organs under those tiny, white pants. It's just so illogical, about being a Smurf, you know? I mean, what's the point of living... if you don't have a dick?

Sean: [pause] Dammit, Donnie. Why you gotta get all smart on us?

i ain't paying them to stem the rose.

"I decided I was only going to

make scenes from the summer

on the hill with the sheep before

they return to the real world

and everything went bad."

from

Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

• I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
• Your name must be Mickey because your so fine.
• You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
• Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!
• You must be a Snickers, because you satisfy me.
• You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!
• I'm good at math. U+I=69
• Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
• Like the look of your crotch.

ham and two pieces of toast

emily's week:

• got 99/100 on my financial accounting midterm
• aced the math midterm
• received 100% on my english project
• found out about a possible parental move in the future - what will i do with a three-bedroom apartment?
• cat decided that she loves me more
• fought with my mother about ham and two pieces of toast
• thought about kelly inappropriately
• had a good talk with my brother that didn't involve shoes, clothes, or skateboarding
• mother finished her masters
• used up brennen's cellphone minutes talking to rae
• sent a text message saying "after tossing the salad, emily felt that it needed a little dressing."
• watched pride & prejudice and thought about all the dippin' the chips, playin' the trombones, and vacuuming of carpets that i wanted to do with mr. darcy.
• ate some food and consumed some alcohol