another memorable msn conversation in emily history:

emily:

what are you doing tuesday @ 4am? or even tomorrow?

dyl:

tomorrow at 4am i'm probably sleeping

why?

hello?

EMILY!

geeeze

you never sleep, so where are you, avoiding me?

le sighs, so lonely

maybe i could have a conversation by myself to cheer me up

hi dylan...how ya doing tonight?

quite well thank you dylan...and yourself?

oh i'm spit spot dylan...couldn't be finer

oh really dylan? why ever so?

well dylan...you see its just a fantastic day....all of my friends are amazing and never ditch or ignore me

ok, conversation by myself just isn't the same as a fun filled conversation with Emily that makes me happy

emily:

oh god

that was worth it

dyl:

HEY

she came back

haa-zaa!

emily:

i was busy fighting bad guys - geeze didn’t you see that emily symbol up in the sky?

dyl:

the one of the girl bent over?

i did...but uh....ya

emily:

ouch OUCH

are you calling me a hooker?

besides that one is for your mom, mine's the one of the girl spread-eagle.

a work story of interest to those who have not heard it already:

today linds and i were working drive-thru together. today she took and order and this is how it goes:

man: "uhh, i don't really know what i want. something hot. something hot and milky."
emily (in the background, whose voice got picked up on linds' headset): "sounds like my friday night."

happy blog-aversary. finally.

now that i'm coming up on 150 blog posts to the epic telling of anything, i figured it would be appropriate to gather some of my more memorable blog titles (interspersed with blog pictures). enjoy:

• "now show me your tits."
• strange compliments i've received because i'm not very attractive
• emily is polishing the parts of her body that demand it.
• "dahil sa pagkagulat at takot, hindi agad nakakilos ang biktima," a prober gathered.
  

• emily, from previous incidents, has come to find herself intolerably good-looking.
• happy getting a pap schmear day!
• a priest, a rabbi, and emily walk into a bathroom stall. hilarity ensues.
• love you, inside and out. especially inside.
• i wish he was younger.
  

• i'd do me.
• eggs is like "you don't know me. don't even play like you know me."
• rae is such a cougar.
• rae, a piece to fill the hole in my heart.
• rae, will you be the mother of my children?

• rae, i forgot to tell you that last night was my first, and therefore, my best.
• rae, i'm pregnant.
• i think we should name our child raymond.

"gotta love homos with photoshop."

so. you remember the time that i (and i quote) typed to
mike: i'm going to go write a blog and i think i'll use your name in it.
do you have a picture you would like me to include randomly for effect?
i think next time i'll specify that i wanted a photo of him.

otherwise:
in recent news, emily has out done all overflowed mops bucket
stories in recent starbucks history (i've included a floor plan for
those of you who don't know what the backroom situation is like, and if
you feel that you need to see the writing, contact me.).

i guess the bright side to it all is that now mike can follow
the 10-second rule without making himself sick.

congrats you crazy chicka.

titles of emails from my father: part 3

• Instant noodle inventor dies
• Wisconsin man runs over, eats seven-legged transgender deer
• World’s tallest man saves dolphin
• Tush
  
• Kansas outlaws practice of evolution
• Woman killed by bookcase
• Suicide letter wizard for Microsoft word
• Jokes made by robots, for robots
• Twelve signs you drank too much last night
• Happy fucking holidays
• Coke + chicken = cochicken
• Ever wonder where all the stuffed polar bears are in England?
• Condom ad
• Guy’s photos of his toothpaste everyday
• Stop cruel and pointless gay sheep experiments
• Make a survival kit out of an altoids tin
• Paris Hilton to magazine: I’m celibate
• How to stuff a mouse: a very basic tutorial in taxidermy!

a letter to my gradeschool crush, whom i saw recently.

Dear Eddie,

Remember that Valentine's Day card I got for you one year (February 14, 1998)? I thought it was a good idea at the time, but reflecting back on it now, I realized that I made some gross errors:

1. Quoting the lyrics "what i like about you, you keep me warm at night, never wanna' let you go, know you make me reel alright, yeah" was probably not the best way to express my romantic side...hey.
2. Saying you had a body like battleaxe seemed true at the time. My bad.
   
3. The phrase "keep it real" is not an appropriate way to end a love card.

That said, I hope this finds you good health.

Sincerely,

Emily

a quote that arose from a night spent (ironically) making paper mache cats:

"you're so dirty."
"they don't call me stoma steve for nuttin'."

armpits.

Regarding Those Internet Searches You Found
and Then Confronted Me About in a Hostile Way?
We'll Be Laughing About the Huge Misunderstanding
in This Week's Counselling Session.

anal creampies

Can't a person be particular about her desserts? I'm damn near OCD when it comes to blind-baking my crusts to the perfect golden brown. I was simply seeing if there were any like-minded precision-driven pastry fanatics out there.

teen sex

While it's true we don't have children yet, we're going to someday. And they're going to grow up—faster than you can imagine—and have lots of questions. I don't know about you, but I'd like to have some answers.

hot facials

I know how much you enjoy the occasional spa treatment, so I wanted to surprise you with one. Guess that's ruined now.

pearl necklace

It was going to be on your pillow when you got back from the facial. Also ruined.

dripping wet pussies

I'm sorry, but we don't own any books called What to Do When the Cat Falls in the Toilet. Forgive me for turning to the Internet for feline-drying techniques.

cock-hungry whores

Apparently, you're too busy—or is it callous?—to concern yourself with the fact that prostitutes need to eat, too. And guess what? Turns out they tend to crave poultry.

curious about gay lifestyles

Now that was just a typo. The c should have been an f. Those gays make me mad.

mcsweeney's

this is what mike looks like dad...most days.

"Drinking beer doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean...
against bars, tables, chairs, and poles."

i'll bet he can make a mean sidehole with his minature lightsaber.

emily enjoys making fun of the elderly.

emily: so. what's this about a gender/sexuality class? is it at least about indian gender/sexuality?
dyl: its a post-modern indian litterature class and apparently all the teacher wants to talk about is sexually, contrasting hetrosexual vs homosexual slants...etc etc pointing out that more books should end with two guys makin out. that sorta thing - its fun times
emily: sounds like my kinda class.
dyl: lets be serious here though, what kinda class isn't your kinda class
emily: ahahahah so true. except maybe the actual class on sexuality because i would laugh and crack jokes and would probably have to be removed from the class.
dyl: "forcefully" removed more likely
emily: and my notes would be covered with 'diagrams' because i'm more of a visual person, and if we were asked to do a teacher review by the school, i would suggest that he or she consider a more hands-on approach to the subject
dyl: then you'd get kicked outta the school
emily: i'd hope that they would put a letter in my personal file carefully detailing everything i did. that way it would haunt me.

a saturday night at work.

god. i cannot, cannot believe how many moments there were at work where we all just laughed and laughed and laughed at everything that went wrong. so here's to more nights where we can laugh at the fact that we:

• brewed a full urn of house blend all over the counter and almost did it a second time
• had the largest ass order at 10:09pm
• scrubbed really, really old (and odourous!) milk splooge off the bottom of the fridge
• dropped a caramel bottle into a brimmingly full drink
• had no horrible customers, just ones who liked to laugh with us (or maybe at us)
• still got out early - haa zaa!

this one is for the parents:
i'm keeping out of trouble.

a belated new year's picture.

interesting how one photo can pretty much sum up a night.

so i can feel myself getting out my week-long funk. how do i know this? by the way my ability to belittle the general population has improved ten-fold.

otherwise, today had two good highlights (although i can't decide which one was better):

1. thought i had to do two loads of laundry, but instead was able to fit everything into one. haa-zaa!
2. heard a knock on the door, answered it , found two jehovah witnesses waiting for me, and was filled with mirth when they specifically asked for kim. haa-zaa! haa-zaa!
   

bought a new belt today:
it's called the 'rocker belt' and comes with barbwire on it. so emily-esque, no?

off to make stirfry with these magical hands of mine. peace brother(s) from another mother(s).

plum on lavender is the new black on black.

my new glasses.

ideas for 2007 resolutions.

• complete one of last year's resolutions: get my once
  
• dust more often
• decrease my caffiene intake
• stop calling people's cellphones excessively whenever they don't answer
• save money for a rainy day
• expand my musical tastes
• draw again
• come up with some more original 'your mom' jokes to torment lucas with
• pose nude
• pose nude for playboy
• pose nude for a calender
• fix the shower curtain

new year's - the night and day of (re: a tale of good suspicious times).

it was a new year's miracle. a fucking mircle. it was also a good thing that i wore tights avec my skirt. highlights of important note:

• shiraz
• pulling out the 80s moves
• pulling dylan across the dance floor by his tie
• grapes. lots and lots of grapes.
• watching evelyn eat beef dip, fries, broccoli soup, and cake at the verse
  
• not going to bed until 6am
• oh, and the chick that kept hitting on me. two important notes here: 1) just because i choose to wear dark, thick-framed glasses does not make me a lesbian. it means that i was too lazy to put in contacts, and that i also knew i would be incapable of extracting a thin lense from my eye later on in thenight/morning. 2) why was i only capable of getting action from a girl and a gay man over the course of the night?
  

highlights from the day of (re: when i woke up at 130pm):

• working
• working with two other people who were also hungover
  
• getting to demonstrate to people, who weren't there, what i meant when i say i pulled dylan across the dance floor
  
• breaking out in laughter whenever i would remember something from the night
  
• getting home, passing out on the couch with my work clothes still on (with drive-thru stickers still attach to my sleeve), and getting woken up by lara-rose around 11:30 the next morning