emil is excited to lose his wholesomeness in 7247 days.

so. apparently i have a twin that lives in logan lake (judge) - spitting image, apparently. this means, that for all of you that have wanted to do unspeakably pleasurable things to me, you can now do so with this person (him, her: who knows?) while pretending it's me AND while maintaining the wholesomeness of our relationship. seriously. do it.

emil's preference for anal has nothing to do with his low self-esteem.

emil's harper's index:

192: number of times miley cyrus' song "see you again" has been played
6: number of songs on itunes playlist containing the word "pussy"
2: number of times i've been groomed by a cat today
1: number of offers of admission to a program not applied for
5: number of inappropriate comments made on a 16 year old's facebook wall
8: number of facebook profile pictures that i am naked in
1: number of naked statues i have recently purchase from value village
3: number of copies of "alien vs. predator" i own
2: number of files on my computer entitled "school" but have nothing to do with my studies
11: number of entries in my school journal that are probably inappropriate for teachers to read
4: number of extra-large condoms floating freely around my bedroom
1: number of creamers also in my bedroom...

emil wants you to watch as he pulls kernels from his corncob.

studies show that:
-88% of teenagers who make abstinence pledges break them
-people who read are better at reading
-girls who have an unhappy family life may grow up to be less attractive and look more masculine
-weight loss may improve survival in those who have an obesity-related disease
-global warming is real
-there is long-term damage from methamphetamine abuse
-rats enjoy tickling
-cigarette advertising does cause kids to smoke
-affluent more likely to earn degree
-president bush does not have dementia
-lifestyle changes can benefit blood pressure
-gamers are desensitized to violence in games
-cell phones unsafe to use while driving
-86% of americans have their heads up their asses

emil often compensates for reasons unrelated to his height.

hypothetical question: if emil's roommate were to slyly give emil just the tip of a bounty bar on valentine's day, does that mean emil is obligated to take just the tip in anal?

emil feels that this is the perfect day to troll the loops for undateable alcoholics.

this year, i'm going to let there be a correlation between the amount of chocolate i receive and the amount of anal i allow.

emil loves you like a cannibal loves human flesh.

while emil does wish that he did feel like a pudgy, naked, winged child has shot an arrow through his chest cavity, alas! he does not. and it is for this reason that emil created the event "hug a loner this valentine's day" where those who have been bitten by the love bug can spread the cheer via hugs, rather than the usual standby: STIs. unfortunately, emil's intentions have back-fired and now he has a lot of people (132 to be exact) thinking that he wants all of them to hug just him. while it is nice to have so many concerned about emil's heartbreaking loneliness, he did not want to hog the hugs, but instead, only wanted for all the loners of the world to receive some chlamydia-free love this year. so spread it betches!

emil performs alternative therapy.

emil gets a sex change.

emily is demanding anal.