emily wants to reassure you that, when you're with her, your drinks have a 97.88% chance of being roofie-free.

things i've said to my father today:
"i will smash you with a chair."

things my father and i have discussed today:
"bacterial vaginosis"
"furries"
"your mom"
"gonorrhea"

emily burned seven calories.

sex-related information provided by my mother:

number of calories burned:
during the act of insertion 0.25
when taking it from the rear 40.5
while in the back of a honda civic 38.0
from a possible sex side effect (chafed nose) 11.0
while urgently begging 22.0
having a real orgasm 27.0
having a fake orgasm 160.0
regaining motor control of pelvis 7.0
avoiding the wet spot 80.0


a conversation with my mother:

me: what's one thing that not everyone does?
mother: parents having sex in front of their children?
me: okay, not quite the insertion i was looking for.

emily gives the pros styling tips.

the episode of america's next top model

that emily was an audience member for:

if you squint and look to the right of the 

screen, you might be able to make her out 

wearing her classic european couture ensemble:

emily is a thug.

mayo's version of graffiti. yo.

emily is a sinner.

today:

i had dinner with a nun.  i really think that goes

against everything i've ever done.

i had a delightful conversation with my mother 

about farting and anal:

mother: so. my farts make noise, but yours don't.  

do you know what the correlation between that

and anal sex is?

emily: um. no. what? 

mother: that you're not a tight-ass.

delicious.

emily has a going away party.

too much growers.

drinking leads to pole molestations.

emily can strike a pose that would

make madonna question herself.

children: this is how fire hydrants
are made.

aaaand gas vents.

emily is a succubus.

fun fact: the liquor store and the driver's license place are in the same room here.

logically, that makes sense. right?