i feel disgusted going shopping nowadays.

vancouver

• saw david duchovny whilst eating at triple o's off robson.
  
• walked over a vent in a skirt - bared my emily bits to busy downtown vancouver. luckily my companions didn't notice until i had controlled the skirt in a marilyn monroe-esque fashion. luckier still that i decided to wear nice undergarments.
• played truth or truth all the way back from hope. we all learned a lot about each other.
  
• made evan cry with my dildo arm.
• had a child pee on my skirt from the next stall at granville island. don't worry - i had a change of clothes with me.
• sang the little mermaid while miniture putting in the Coral Sea.
• ask me about Cecil.
• watched kim santize herself over and over in the vehicle.
• got picture proof that graham drank starbucks. tall no whip double chocolate chip frappucino blended cream.
  

you know, for all the time, sleep, and summer fun i've lost over the past month because of work, i've still only managed to make an extra $40. and this children, is why you stay is school.

what do you want me to say kelly? pick from the following topics from my life that i can discuss:

• how i got totally fucking wasted friday night and had to make kim babysit me
• how i cleaned brennen's living room and misplaced his important piece of paper
• how i bought a book called "bird and egg" for my niece
• how that same book is the only thing i've read in the past month
• how bought a sandwich today, and yesterday
• how i finally applied at starbucks
• how i filed my mother's business receipts
• how well my meeting with the insurance company went
  

that's all i have.

therefore, i suggest if you don't like my blog, that you go and find your internet reading material elsewhere.

strange compliments i've received because i'm not very attractive

"The whites of your eyes are really white."

"And your thighs are so soft."

"And the sound they make when they rub together is really pleasant—like one of those rainstorm/ocean-sound tapes."

"And when you stand up they are half the size they are when you're sitting down."

"Your nose is right in the center of your face."

"Your feet are a perfectly medium length."

"Their extra width must give you really great balance."

mcsweeney's

Yeah, air travel does seem a little weird right now.

From: Larry [CENSORED], Marketing

To: J.M. [CENSORED], CEO, [CENSORED] Airlines

RE: INCREASING AIRLINE REVENUE THROUGH FEAR.

Per our conversation in the elevator this morning, here's that short note to let you know how things are progressing on our end.

Now that we've gotten liquids banned from aircraft, it's time that we ramped up our revenue generation by charging for not just alcohol but all beverages onboard the aircraft.

We can also now begin to sell those liquid products that travelers need but can no longer bring through carryon luggage. An airline-brand-specific line of hair-care products and toiletries is called for.

This presents two unique problems: the availability of space for warehousing product onboard the aircraft, and those passengers who seek to subvert our revenue generation (and anti-terrorism measures) by placing their liquid-based necessities in their checked baggage.

The former dovetails nicely with the next phase of our plan, the elimination of all carryon luggage. Overhead bins will now serve as our onboard stock storage. The latter, of course, leads us to our plan for eliminating baggage entirely. Instead, we will provide consumers with the means to ship their baggage to their destination in a timely fashion. (It has been suggested that we do this by placing each passenger's baggage onboard the same flight as the passenger in question. I think this bears looking into.)

Surely, we can do more to maximize profits beyond these simple measures. I believe we can convince Homeland Security that all foreign material onboard an aircraft is suspect; therefore, all worn clothing is also a potential hazard.

Each terminal gate shall be fitted with a clothing boutique that will sell a complete line of airline-branded apparel (or "clothing solutions"), which passengers may purchase rather than board the aircraft nude (which, if not already, will be prohibited) after the confiscation of clothing. By "complete line," I mean nothing more than one-size-fits-all socks, slippers, sweatpants, and shirts. Fashion is hardly a concern in matters of security. This approach will serve to keep our R&D and production costs to a minimum.

Upon further consideration, I suggest we also add a $20 handcuff fee to the price of each ticket, so we may recoup the cost of restraining passengers. (See my report on the program rollout scheduled for Thanksgiving.) First-class restraints, such as padded handcuffs, and the option to forgo three-point restraint are, of course, upsells.

Also, the department has still not resolved the issue of how to ban the passengers from the planes while still providing an incentive to purchase tickets. We might want to backburner this one for a while.

Lastly, I will be out of the office beginning this Friday, as I'm traveling to Oregon to see family. I've taken an extra few days to allow for travel by Amtrak.

By M. Sullivan

mcsweeney's

to laugh often and much.

To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and to have sung with exultation; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived is to have succeeded.

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

things that have happened this week:

• drank in mcdonald's
• had an employee drink in mcdonald's
• walked out of phantom of the opera to go have nachoes
  

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?

Everyone at the pool party is going to be jealous of you when you set yourself afloat in your new inflatable two-man hitler raft. It's a six foot long by three and a half foot wide raft that has a black and white picture of Hitler superimposed over a colorful cartoonish painting of some starfish swimming in the ocean. Hitler only covers the right half of the raft, so that you can either lay over top of him completely if you're worried that someone just approached the pool who might not want to see Hitler right now (ie: someone who is sick of seeing Hitler at pools), or you can lay right next to him so that it looks like you're just chilling in the pool with Hitler all day, just a couple of pals who can lay in a raft together without it being gay because one of you is dead. Have fun, kid.

Happy Your Hitler Raft Day!

a message on an answering machine:
"hey graham, just letting you know that your mom rides a bicycle and emily wants to do body shots off you. ok bye."

googlism for "vegina"

vegina is elastic in nature
vegina is an elastic organ
vegina is a pretty cool drink
vegina is very tight
vegina is so loose
vegina is it
vegina is a hell of a lot bigger than a human
vegina is swollen

emily is polishing the parts of her body that demand it.

an un-aired commercial featuring "the Burger King":

An attractive woman is soaking in a bubble bath with a glass of wine. Scented candles burn around the tub as she listens to relaxing music. (Carl, see if we can get the rights to an Enya song.) The woman has cucumber slices placed over her eyelids and maybe we see a container of bath salts nearby or something. The point is, she's having a peaceful, relaxing, and private moment. Some announcer with a soothing voice is talking about how nice it is to relax at the end of the day ... WITH CHICKEN FRIES! As these words are spoken, the King rises from beneath the bubbles in all his plasticine glory holding a plate of extruded deep-fried chickenesque food products. The light from the candles shimmers off his shiny plastic face. The woman sits up, cautious at first, but when she realizes it's the King (a realization that would make most flee in horror), she gladly accepts a chicken fry. We fade out with a shot of the woman eating chicken fries while the King massages her feet. Now that's gonna sell some chicken fries.

- mcsweeney's