vegina.

*editor's note: those of you who keep searching for 'vegina', 'types of vegina', 'pics of vegina', or some other variation, try searching for 'VAGINA' because that is the proper English spelling for the female genitalia and will probably will get you better results.

another classic moment in the everyday life of emily:

reading the hello toast soup board that was supposed to say "veg in a tomato base," but was, on purpose, crammed together to read "vegina tomato base." the waitress wanted to see how long it would take for her co-workers to notice that she had basically written 'vagina' on the soup board.

in other news:

rae looks fabulous.

today i was bitched out on 98.3's Ticked Off Tuesday (a call-in show where everyday kamloopians can complain about things that have really ticked them off). i figured it was only a matter of time - eventually i would manage to piss someone off so much that they would be driven to tell Leo Baggio and his loyal listeners about it. to think it was only because of our lack of a debit machine. to think!

Jackie's other ride is your mom.

Your New Robotic Arm Day!

Your new robotic arm arrives today. It was really expensive and it is guaranteed not to short out every time you touch the "cook" button on a microwave like your last arm would. This robotic arm is state of the art, built by engineers who left the Department of Defense to appease their consciences.

Unfortunately, they continued to order their parts through the same suppliers they dealt with at the DOD. Your robotic arm has been fashioned from circuits that were pulled out of the dismantled prototypes for the super-secret Cyber-Soldier program that was scrapped due to the prototypes being "too aggressive" and "too bloodthirsty" and "too likely to do whatever they want just to kill a little bit more" and "too into hurting children specifically; when the Cyber-Soldier enters a family dwelling where parents and children reside together, the children are always murdered first, then on up age-wise, and we never programmed them to do that, it's as if they rewired their own circuits to generate their own commands, which soon became the only commands that they would follow. These robots want to kill, if that hasn't been made clear. It's in their circuitry, if that hasn't been made clear either."

It's a shame you won't know all of this ahead of time. And it's a shame that immediately after attaching your new robotic arm to your shoulder, you'll see the paperboy riding by on his bicycle. Your robotic arm will start to whir and come apart so that a grenade launcher can lift from inside its casing and fire on the boy. After your street is laid waste in a storm of fire and smoke, you should call Sharper Image and ask them what the fuck.

Happy Your New Robotic Arm Day!

brilliant.

words or phrases unknown people have submitted into a search engine, only to have my blog pop-up on the results page:

• coarse language
• nipples
• what is "to stem the rose"
  

hoochie mama, show your na-nas.

quote for the day:

"yeh, i'm just here to impregnate women against their will." - kyle

god, i love the word 'impregnate,' or really just any word with 'nate' attached to the end (sperminate, terminate, verminate).

i couldn't possibly do this on a normal day.

would you believe that i have finally found Chris? now i just have to initiate contact.

nip nip nippley nipples!

"What's the deal with your nipples?" he asks.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, they sort of stick out."
I look him in the eye.
"Toph, I want to tell you something. I want to tell you about my nipples. I want to tell you about my nipples, and generally about the nipples of the men in our family. Because someday, son, someday my nipples will be your nipples. Someday you too will have nipples that protrude unnaturally far from your chest, and which will harden at the slighest provocation, preventing you from wearing anything but the heaviest cotton T-shirts."
"No way."
"Yes, Toph," I say, looking out to the ocean thoughtfully, seeing the future. "You will inherit these nipples, and you will inherit a scrawny, rib-showing frame that will not at all fill out until your early twenties, and puberty will hit you impossibly late, and soon the beautiful blond straight hair that you like so much, that you wear long and which helps you look like the young River Phoenix, this hair will thicken, harden, darken, and curl so tightly and wildly that when you wake up you will appear to have permed your hair three times and then ridden for six hours in a convertible. You will slowly grow ugly, with skin riddled with acne so persistent that on top of the general zittiness that will roughen your cheeks and chin, you will get red skin-globules - your dermatologist will call them 'cysts' - that will every other week set up shop in the crevice above your nostril, and will be so large and so red that strangers at twenty yeards will gasp, small children will point and cry -"
"No."
"Yes."
"No way. I'll be different I bet."
"Pray for it."

-an excerpt from "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" by Dave Eggers.

i sold a barbeque winning cup today!

song ideas for my next album.

A song about a really cool chick and how she turns me on.

A song about how I live life to the utmost and how most folks don't know how to "fly," if you know what I mean.

A song about how strung out I was for a few weeks after you left me. Just let it rain, is what I thought, because that's the way I felt inside.

A song about how important it is to take a chance on love, to just go for it—it's really worth it.

A song about this freaky dude I know who's shunned by everyone else because he's different, but only I see what's loveable about the guy, and that we should all cherish individuality.

A song obliquely about the sex act: an invitation for my ideal woman to come on over and "do me," if you will.

Let's wrap up with a song about how love is really the most important thing and we all ought to live entirely for love, and give love in return.

www.mcsweeneys.net

i'm now double-degreeing in nursing and business.

sean's shoe

the shoe my brother designed.

"murray residence. *snickers* "

most memorable blog quote:
"i've been drunk two times before, i should know how much alcohol is in this drink."

most memorable quote from one of rae's dance parties:
brennen: "emily? are we going to make out?"

most memorable conversation with my mother:
mother: "so i found out this guy i work with got the name of his kid tattoed onto his arm when i slapped him on it."
emily: "why haven't you ever tattoed my name onto your body?"
mother: "because i don't like your name."

a priest, a rabbi, and emily walk into a bathroom stall. hilarity ensues.

why do i work in a customer service job when i get easily disgusted with the general public? or maybe the solution to my problem is the need for stricter entrance requirements at tru. really, if the university only allowed the decently smart then my problems would be solved - no more people asking for ice capps when the machine is down, sandwiches when the deli is closed, hot chocolate when the machine is being cleaned, or coffee less than 5mins before close. although i had quite the shock today when a girl actually took the time to notice that the hot chocolate machine was obviously being cleaned. however, this moment of happiness was quickly ruined by a girl who asked for an ice capp right after i asked my supe if i could put up a large sign saying the ice capp machine was down for the night. i knew the girl heard. what a peckerhead.

otherwise, computer class is going really well. learning lots of new things, such as the fact that the mouse can be used to drag documents from one place to another (the lesson here? the mouse is not just for clicking). i also learned how to open and close powerpoint today, which, for those of you who don't already know, is quite like opening Word, Explorer, or any other application program. sometimes i wish i had taken a more indepth course. at least my correspondence math is keeping me occupied.

so true.

love you, inside and out. especially inside.

karaoke produces beautiful memories.

maybe she will make a good mother for my children

emily says:
rae touched a baby today and enjoyed it
graham says:
:-O!
emily says:
i feel like the world is shattering around me