conversations from a tuesday off.

father: did you get the email i sent you? the one seeing how many condoms you can fit on a penis at one time?
emily: not yet, but how many?
father: 685. i'm trying to beat it, but i'm only at 310.
emily: what? really? are you doing it right now?
father: oh god, fuck no. you're so gullible.
emily: i'm disappointed.

blockbuster girl: so, uhh, you're getting cinderella 3 and schindler's list?
emily: oh god no. that's a really wrong combination.
blockbuster girl: i was going to say...one will lift you up and the other will bring you crashing right back down.
emily: one would make you cry with happiness and the other will make you cry with...
blockbuster girl: sadness.
emily: exactly.

an updated list of rules from my mother.

Sometimes, no matter what you say, people are just gonna do it anyways. Here is an updated version of Madame Etiquette’s rules of conduct. It is the set of rules that follow once you break the ultimate rule… “don’t do it”

1. don't get caught
2. if you get caught make sure it is worth it
3. don't waste your quarter on your mother
4. make sure he/she goes down first... (censored)
5. admit nothing
6: don't ask if you don't want to know
7. make sure the other side has more to lose than you do

a familiar scenario.

kowabunga.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT or Ninja Turtles) are a fictional team of four anthropomorphic turtle mutants, who are trained by their sensei, Master Splinter, to become skilled ninja warriors. From their home in the sewers of Manhattan, they battle petty criminals, evil megalomaniacs, and alien invaders, all while remaining isolated from society at large.

a story of epic proportions.

mike:
i'm bored with this conversation... tell me a story
preferably one that begins with Once upon a time
and maybe it should end with happily ever after
and mike makes a good protagonist's name
emily:
Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a boy name mike.
One day, in the kingdom that was located far, far away, mike was galvanting through the magic forest.
In the magic forest, mike came across a troupe of poor and hungry mimes.
Mike took pity upon the mimes, and decided to adopt them as his own.
However, Mike had been told many, many times by his mother, who was the queen of the kingdom that was located far, far away, to not bring home any strays.
So Mike devised a plan.
mike:
what was the plan? tara's listening / reading in too
emily:
First, using some branches and some makeshift twine, he fashioned the mimes a shelter to protect them from the unpredictable weather of the magical forest.
Then, Mike set off to retrieve the Cloak of Invisibility (which is an item that all princes in the kingdom that is located far, far away own) from his bedroom. Mike had decided to use the cloak to cover his adopted group of mimes and sneak them past the guards at the kingdom gates and to sneak them past the spying eyes of his dear mother.
mike:
why leave the perfectly good shelter i went through all that work building?
emily:
Running as swiftly and as fast as his short prince legs could carry him, Mike took off towards the castle TO GET THE CLOAK OF INVISIBILITY, leaving the mimes safely within the confines of the shelter he had so carefully and lovingly built for them.
Mike, within a decent time frame, retrieved the cloak and was on his way swiftly back to his mimes, when things took a turn for the worse.
As he was nearing the last bend, all Mike could hear was silence, but not the happy silence that usually surrounds a group of mimes, but a cold and lonely silence that fills the voids where there are no mimes.
Stumbling onto the scene, Mike discovered his lovingly built shelter in shambles.
Collapsing to his knees in a fit of sadness, Mike wept with a pain that the kingdom, that is located far, far away, had never felt before.
However, as Mike was bashing the ground in his fit of sadness as if to say "wtf god?" his fists graze upon a hard, round surface.
Wiping his bleary eyes, Mike dug his fingers into the ground only to pull out a small, very dirty, but still very useable crystal ball.
mike:
okay that should be chapter one
emily:
should i continue with chapter two?
mike:
well i think tara is finding it less interesting than me, and i should prolly pay attention to her by starting the movie we're supposed to watch
mike:
i appreciated chapter one though
emily:
obviously

a joke by rae.

So a nurse walks into a bank and is asked to sign the back of her cheque. She goes to pull out her pen and soon realizes that she's trying to write with a rectal thermometer. So she says to the bank teller, "some bum must have stolen my pen."

the more you know:

bands that make you gay:

the doors
queen
the strokes
metallica
the rolling stones
jay-z
barry manilow
nirvana
frank sinatra
elton john (really gay)

bands that won't make you gay:

cyndi lauper


for more information on keeping your children safe, please visit www.love god's way.org!

so, let's talk about the time i decided to do a photo reel for kim using the display picture box in msn messenger. let's also talk about the time when everyone on my msn was marked as away except for her and so, therefore, thought that she would be the only one to see them. oh was i wrong: dylan, i'm sorry you had to see me doing provocative poses in plaid pajama pants, a green polo, and a blue sweater vest to complete the outfit. when you're away, stay away from your computer because it will only lead to worse visuals.