tuesdays bring sex tips from emily.

today i was able to provide information to my parents pertaining to the following questions:

"what are glory holes?"
"what does the reverse cowgirl look like?"

my mother questioned my ability to recite information on these topics. i told her, "what you don't know, won't hurt you."

emily = delivery lady

today a man stared at my breasts while i was delivering his pizza:

and he only tipped me $2.00. harsh.

sacrificing to the celebrity gods.

kelly: will you pray with me for lindsay lohan?
emily: i've already erected an alter on my balcony for her. i offer up a lamb and a small bag of cocaine to her spirt everyday.
kelly: i have a shrine in my stairwell, we go through 50 candles a day. we started a small carpet fire but I got it out.

movie gallery.

today was my first day at the video store, and therefore, was the first day i could begin renting free movies. for my first three i selected:

-the abyss
-dune
-sound of music

is that bad?

things said.

and the winner for the Best Use of a Mean Girls Quote in a Real-Life Situation goes to:

(in the line at Save-On, looking at the super jumbo tampons of the lady behind us)

mike: i can't help it if i have a heavy flow and a wide-set vagina.

emily witnesses pottermania.

Pottermania: noun. (pot.er. - man.e.a.) Fanaticism surrounding fictional characters and themes contained within a series of books written by J.K. Rowling, namely "Harry Potter".


After spending two hours in a line-up, I was a firsthand witness to the last launch of a harry potter book. Not much happened, but I was frequently stepped on by children in costume. Once, I had a suspicious liquid splashed on me as one child ran past to go to the bathroom. And a man dressed as Dumbledore gave me candy. All in all, it was a typical Friday night in Kamloops.

emily goes to the movies.

upon seeing a picture of matt damon flash onto the movie screen:

emily: (a la team america) matt damon
emily: (louder, so the rest of the theatre can hear) matt damon
rest of audience: (one by one) matt damon

while holding two large buckets of popcorn sitting somewhat alone:

man (two seats over): guess i don't need to go to the concession, i can just have some of yours.
emily: i need this popcorn to eat away my feelings. i'm so lonely.
man: haha?
emily: so lonely.
man: (silence).

keeping busy.

a good wife always knows her place.

the good wife's guide:

1. have dinner ready
2. be happy to see him
3. show sincerity in your desire to please him
4. speak in a low, soothing, and pleasant voice
5. and always remember that he is the master of the house and that you have no right to question him.

amen.

titles of emails from my father: part 4

Cocaine-addled driver destroys entire cornfield on run from police
Emily has a femininity rating of 0.68
The ending of the Harry Potter series written in the style of the ending of The Sopranos
Custom my little ponies
Pentagon sought to build a ‘gay bomb’
Hot 100 women chosen by lesbians
Ohio lethal injection takes 2 hours, 10 tries
Trying to maneuver an imperial walker out of a mall parking lot
A 7-point scale for rating eggs benedict
Lonely man brought donkey to hotel room, court told
Printable cold sores
How many condoms at once?
Still some things humans do better than robots
Silly things my 3-year-old said that I’m certain the rest of the world would find sweet and cute:

Me: Did you like having our silly time today? Did you like our walk?
Him: I saw…walky…and…(starts giggling).
Me: You saw a walky?
Him: I will crush you.
Me: (Silence).
Him: Be certain that I am your undoing. I am everything. There were three things in my beginning: my interrupted biological sleep, a birth, and the end to a warm darkness and silence. And now I am here with you. And a reckoning is coming, that’s all I’m saying.

stay in school cuz it's the best.

here's to not posting for over a month:



kelly: did you actually get a guy to grope you? a straight guy?
emily: yep, hell has frozen over.
kelly: oh man…what’s his name? can you still feel his touch?
emily: i can still feel his touch. the warmth of his fingertips always lingering on my bosom.