the blame game.

in case you're wondering who's to blame for the virginia tech massacre...

it's collective soul's fault.
it's the fault that colleges have co-ed dorms and/or students who major in english.
it's autism's fault.
it's the fault of the chinese.
it's evil's fault.
it's the fault of vaccines.
it's the fault of the jews.
it's the fault of white women.
it's the ideology of diversity's fault.
it's the fault of bill clinton, internet pornography, free speech, condoms, abortions, and lack of prayer and bibles in schools.

cynical c-blog

summer vacation!

today i finished my last exam. today i also became a free woman for the next four months. in light of my new found freedom and my love of to-do lists, thus the following is a list my top 5 things to complete this summer:

1) build a sand sculpture in the shape of the cast of Golden Girls
2) break that nasty coke addiction
3) finishing writing my memoirs
4) break into choreographed dance with strangers on the street to the tune of backstreet boy's' "everybody"
5) find and make passionate love to this man:

Chapter 2: The Cliffhanger

In light of the fact that it has been two weeks since my last post and weeks (maybe even months) since i promised to write chapter of the story of mike the prince who lived in the kingdom of far, far away and his troupe of mimes, i thus post this blog.

recap: when we last left off in chapter one, mike had just returned with his cloak of invisibility to discover that his beloved troupe of mimes had disappeared and the shelter he had so lovingly constructed for them had disentegrated into shambles upon the floor of the magical forest. During his fit of sadness, mike discovers a half buried, but still very useable crystal ball.

chapter 2:

Grasping the crystal ball in his large and princely palms, hope of finding his troupe of mimes slowly seeped back into mike's eyes. He began to vigourously shake the ball while chanting the phrase, "where, oh where has my mimes gone?" Quickly a scene swam into view. It showed his mimes stranded upon the rocky ledges of the magical mountains (which were, coincidentally, located on the outskirts of the magical forest some 15 minutes of brisk walking away from that very spot). So mike took off.

Stumbling out of the dark and protective branches of the magical forest, mike was hit by blast, after blast of icy mountain wind. He looked to his left and saw nothing. He looked to his right and saw nothing. He looked up and saw nothing. He probably would have looked behind him if it weren't for the fact that he already knew that the magical forest was all there was to be found back there. So mike looked down. Down the steep and rocky edge. And only the gathering darkness met his eyes.

Mike soon began to feel the gatherings of panic in the depths of his very being. One brief picture of his mimes upon a rocky edge and hundreds of miles of mountains was not very specific. So he tried the crystal ball again, only to be shown the same scene again. So, in vain, mike began to call out to his mimes. He heard nothing, to which mike muttered, "typical" under his breath. Deciding to save his voice, he began to walk in a leftwardly direction.

As is the norm, mike soon got lost in thought and fell off the side of the cliff.

And here we will leave our friend mike, hanging off the side of a cliff. maybe gravity will win this fight, maybe it won't.

toodles till chapter 3 (which is entitled "the chapter where the goat reveals the truth.")

two classic mother conversations in one day:

mother: i just want you to know, that i will NEVER have sex with any of your friends.
emily: well i'm sure mike will be glad to know that.
mother: would you have sex with any of our friends?
emily: considering you guys don't actually have any friends, and at most, i'm the closest thing to you guys having a friend...i'd just be having sex with myself and that's nothing new.
mother: as long as your happy.
emily: bye mother.

mother: what are you guys doing tonight?
emily: watching gay porn.
mother: oh! which one?
emily: david does dallas.
mother: are they using protection?
emily: yes. they're being good homos.
mother: well, protection doesn't just apply to 'condoms' condoms. it also involves finger condoms, are they using finger condoms?
emily: um...well, i actually never noticed.
mother: they should be because you can still get infected through your fingers, especially if your fingering around down there.
emily: too true.
mother: have a nice night!

rocky.