buta-buta baby

blurbs from a bladerdash night at rae's:

• movie: phase 4: "an alien culture discovers lesbianism when they accidently view two women, with all their jiggly bits showing, having a good lesbian romp involving pink virgin esophaguses."
• definition: buta-buta: "the film that collects in Paul Newman's microwave."
• movie: black shampoo: "a heart-warming tale about a girl who receives a crappy ceramic christmas train filled with crappy chocolates, when all she really wanted was a bottle of MSG, which would have helped complete her plans for world domination involving midgets, porn, and Sue Johanson."
• person: name unknown: "patented a self-winding spaghetti fork."
• movie: title unknown: "a story about a peddler who regains his youthful looks when he spends his pop-can money on hair plugs and buttock implants."

emily and her woman.

blind man who bit guide dog, charged.

headings of various emails sent to me by my father:

• when girls drink too much
• babies born in winter are bigger
• superman's penis is too big for the cinema
• what type of lesbian are you?
• the life of jesus in christmas lights
• squirrel pack kills dog
• 14 day weather trend
• bleak wristbands
• fish surgery
• bush to appoint someone to be in charge of country
• stuff on my cat
• smurfs annihilated by warplanes
• scrabble dictionary and word builder
• testicle
• why does everyone have to be fucking morons?
• gay or straight? hard to tell.
• hubble finds sauron
• hand-knit superhero costumes
• slime-mold beetle/talking jesus
• reporter gets his ass handed to him by neurologist
• we meet again, at last. the circle is now complete
• 'wedgie' added to webster's dictionary

vacuuming the night away.

a conversation my parents had while putting the new vacuum together:

mother: "i just want to sleep."
father: "then sleep."
mother: "well i'm down here already."

genius.

happy birthday!

maybe i can just hope to be dead within a century, but it'll be just my luck that i surpass the longest living person by going for 120 years, 238 days.

www.commondreams.org/cgi-bin/print.cgi?file=/headlines06/0116-06.htm

i'd be unforgivable, if i weren't right so often.

darwin awards

"Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it."

www.darwinawards.com

january

new year’s resolution:
to stop partying like it’s
1999

a summer of beating and meating.